Thursday, May 24, 2012


So it has been one year since I moved from LA.  The transition was much more difficult than I ever could have imagined.  I had great support from friends and family, but it was something I had to do on my own.

So how am I after one year?  I am pretty damn happy.  Sometimes in life the only way to change and evolve is to get to the very bottom and start rebuilding things day by day.  Now don't get me wrong, it wasn't as awful as I am making it sound.  But it was the hardest year of my life. 

In honor of my anniversary I want to share the top 10 things I learned over the past year.

10.  I am now capable of moving anywhere in the country and know what it takes to adapt.
9.  Being alone allows you to really evaluate what kind of person you are and want to be.
8.  Chicken pop pies are still as delicious now as they were in college.
7.  When you are at your lowest point you finally see who your true friends are.
6.  The two foot space you occupy is where you are supposed to be no matter what.
5.  Feeling unworthy of people in your life is the most chilling feeling I have ever experienced.
4.  Playing rockband time.
3.  Not drinking beer = feeling better and substantial weight loss.
2.  Most peoples treasures in life are right in front of them the whole time, they just don't realize its value until they no longer have it.
1.  Only you can make yourself happy.

So as I look forward to another year of life in Michigan I wonder what will life have in store for me next.  But then I am reminded of a small gift that Lesly gave me.  It is a small bracelet that signifies living life in the present.  Being aware of living in the present has changed my life.  I enjoy the little things I took for granted for the past few years.  I leave you with a quote that I think has helped me to just be me.

Be the kind of person that you would like to meet.

Happy Anniversary

Monday, September 26, 2011

easy for you to say

It started as a case of mistaken identity and turned into so much more.  For the first time in my life I can't shake it.  Nothing seems to help.  Music, movies, family and friend's advice.  People say things everyday and I appreciate it, but their advice is falling on deaf ears.  Can you ever really prepare to feel this way?  I realized that this was going to be hard, but never imagined it would consume me so much.  There have been moments of clarity and hope.  And there is certainly a bright spot on the horizon.  But other wise it has been mostly heartache.  I worked out for the first time yesterday and that felt great.  Routine is needed.  Things are good right now and I should be grateful, however, this has become such a huge part of my life.  I think today I realized for the first time that when something like this happens you have to just keep going, keep waking up each morning, keep putting one foot in front of the other, keep watching the seconds tick by on the clock.  Each moment will make it that much better.   My mind is trying to move forward, but my heart will never let it forget....I pray for her happiness and I patiently wait for mine.

All my life, my heart has yearned for a something I cannot name.  I am ready to give that something a name...

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

i think i...

can one decision decide your fate?
can distance destroy us?
can I find something I have misplaced for years?
can this pain ever go away?
can I get back to the place I used to be?
can I make a new home?
can I make sense of it all?
can anyone help?
can...this be what I think it is?

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

half change...

I have heard that your choices are half chance, and so are everyone elses.  Does that make me feel better about my decision to move back to Michigan...not really.  So much of me wanted this, I think I forgot to look at the small part that still wanted to stay in LA.  I DON'T regret my decision, however, it is weighing on me more than I ever could have imagined.  A big part of it, is Lesly.  Her and I have spent so much time to go from one extreme to the other is really hard to adapt to.  It didn't help that this past weekend was filled with friends and family...but when I woke up this morning, I walked outside to a cold wind and grey skies with no one there but myself.  I realize I have to give it time...but damn, change can be matter how much you think you prepare for it.  I guess this new unexpected feeling is what life is all about...uncertainty and change...

...if that is true..I would like to change the way I feel right now.

...All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another. 

Monday, March 21, 2011

the cool warmth la

Los Angeles
a superficial, over populated, unorganized city...
warm, sunny, dry, dessert, fire, wet, mudslide, cloudy, cold...
places to be: Hermosa Beach, Hollywood nightlife, movie lots (any of them),
traffic: a car, 
think of leaving a concert and waiting in a parking lot for two hours and welcome to my day to day.
Food:  Good = Expensive
cost of living: out fing rageous (not worth it's value)
people: What you wear, drive, own, who you know, hang with, dated = popularity 
(not everyone is like this, but most)
Distance from home = 2,323 miles, every day that passes feels like another mile.
And did I mention the fact that there could be a earthquake at any time....
Did it beat me?  No, it made me realize how amazing Michigan is...and for that I thank you.
LA, it's for some, but not for others...
I'm an other.

Friday, January 28, 2011

what's in a name?

The true meaning behind my last name.

Pangborn Coat of Arms / Pangborn Family Crest

During the Middle Ages surnames were first used in order to distinguish between numbers of people bearing the same christian name. As taxation, under William The Conqueror, who invaded England in 1066, became the law, documentation became essential, and names were chosen from a man's trade, his father's name, some personal physical characteristic, or from his place of residence. In the case of the name PANGBORN it was a locational name from a spot in County Berkshire. The name was derived from the Old English word PANGBON, literally meaning the dweller at the stream of the people of PAEGA. The earliest of the name on record appears to be PANGBOURNE (without surname) who was recorded in Berkshire in 1185, and PANGEBURN (without surname) was documented in County Oxford in 1273.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

forward to what?

I look forward;
to golf
to the Oscars
to Jamaica
to sleep
to movies
to my new car
to the fishing trip
to time with friends
to more with family
to loving more
to expecting less
to giving back
to making change
to opening my eyes
to finishing my idea
to being creative
to living for today
to what is deserved
to what isn't
to making a decision...